Why I'm Quitting Alcohol
College Life |  Source: missjussymo

Why I'm Quitting Alcohol

Moderation doesn't exist in my vocabulary.

I've never been a fan of moderation-- I'm an all-or-nothing type of girl. Unfortunately though, my extremist attitude does not spare alcohol.

Don't get me wrong-- I don't need to drink to have fun. I'm perfectly content to spend a night in with my friends and eat pizza while we laugh at stupid shit on the internet.

But when the plans involve alcohol, whether it's to go to a party/bar/club, I want to be drunk... and not just that buzzed "I can now talk to boys and dance with ease" feeling. More like the "tripping, head hung over the toilet, struggling to remember the details of the night before" type of drunk.

It began my freshman year of college with my equally insane best friend. We'd pregame hard (shitfaced by the time we left our dorm) and then go out and proceed to get even more wasted.

The next day we'd wake up still slightly drunk and laugh about the moments of the night we remembered, and joke about what could've happened during the parts we blacked out. We were "living it up," just being "young and dumb."

The cycle continued for a while, and was all fun and games, until these nights began to only cause shame. My drunken behavior was embarrassing, dangerous, and just downright stupid.

Predictably, I'd never even remember it. Either my friends would inform me the next day, or worse and ridiculously frequently, it'd get back to me through word of mouth.

I'd somehow become a sweet, mild-mannered, intellectual writer by day who transformed into a rambunctious, reckless, sloppy partier by night. It didn't matter how great of a person I was sober; the most important impression a person can make is the first one, and I was a perpetual fool throughout most of mine.

It's never been a matter of not knowing my limits. When alcohol is in my body, no matter how much or how little, all I want is more. I've tried the whole buzzed thing, and it's just never been fun; all I can think about is getting my hands on more alcohol to take me to that next level.

So for now, I'm better off by simply abstaining. The cons of drinking most definitely outweigh the pros, and I'm thankful I realized this before something irrevocably horrible could happen to me.

I'm taking my extremism to the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I have enough crazy stories to last a lifetime and I know I'll be incomparably happier and healthier from now on as Sober Sally.

I'm sure in a year when I'm finally legal, I'll drink a glass of wine in a restaurant, or pop open a beer at a barbecue, but at that time I won't be drinking for the sole reason of getting fucked up. I'll enjoy the alcohol for the taste, the experience, and for creating unforgettable memories with people who matter to me.

Image Alt
College Life |  Source: Chris Gash

How To Go Sober To A Party

Alcohol shmalcohol!

Whether you have an exam in the morning, your body just can't handle another night of grade-d vodka, or you simply don't like to drink (always forget about that sect of college students who never have to deal with hangovers that last until 5 p.m. or stumble upon pages worth of drunk dialogue that probably should not have gone down,) sometimes you've just got to put down the red solo cup for the night.

But believe it or not, nixing the alcohol does not equate to a night-in all by your lonesome or kissing any chance of fun goodbye. Yes, indeed, you can still go out without drink in hand! You learn something new everyday, I know.

However possible, taking on the night without taking a few shots first can require some warming up to.

Attend the pregame.
Just because you're not pre-gaming doesn't mean you can't attend the festivities. After all, we wouldn't want to miss out on all the snapchat story photo-ops now would we?

It's not until you're in the middle of a party with two dangly limbs by your side that you realize you have no idea what to do with your hands when not comfortably cupping the sides of a solo cup. So before you start trying to pick up sign language for lack of any other way to preoccupy your palms, pick up a cup of something.

Bonus- this way you don't look like the narc of the night with arms crossed in the corner watching over the rest of the under-age drinking.

Get to talkin'.
This is your opportunity to actually meet people whom you'll remember when you see next week on campus rather than search your brain for why they look so familiar. While it may feel a little awkward approaching someone without the boost of a buzz, just remember that most people welcome a friendly stranger taking the first step and actually making effort to converse at these things.

Enjoy... or cringe at everyone else's drunkeness.
One small reward of being the one sober soul at a party is being able to witness the world that happens when you're usually too intoxicated to notice. You're sure to accept many drunken compliments and witness that beautiful time in the night when everyone's sex organs switch on and they forget that face eating should be done in private. Sometimes entertaining, often times disturbing, always eye opening.

And whether you come to discover you don't need a drop of alcohol to have a good time, you're friend's drunk voice is the worst thing to ever singe your ears, or that you will never again go sober to an event, you can honorably say you survived an evening above the influence And for that my friend, we applaud you.

Image Alt
College Life |  Source: nationswell.com

R.I.P. To The Creator Of The Red Solo Cup

As long as we drink, you will never be forgotten.

As if 2016 wasn't already rough enough, it snuck in another kick in the balls before we could make our way out of this raging wildfire of a year. Last week, we lost Robert Leo Hulseman... the creator of the Red Solo Cup.

In honor of this man, who revolutionized drinking, I have written a haiku.

Cup of redness. Sip.
Solo before; After Rob?
Drink solo? Not I.

Thank you. Now sit back and think for a minute where we'd be as a society without this man's incredible mind creating the perfect consumption method for people everywhere. Would beer pong have ever been invented? The glass cups provide no friendly bounce, and are far too large an easy to hit a shot. IMAGINE THE GLASSES THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SHATTERED IN FLIP CUP. You probably wouldn't even have fingers anymore. I don't even want to imagine a world without a grand old game of Gaucho/Slap Cup.

Words cannot describe what you have done for us, Mr. Hulseman. We will honor you in the best way we know how; flipping, slapping, binge drinking, and pouring out a little bit of beer (intentionally or accidentally) every time we drink from one of your masterpieces.

We ask for a moment of silence and remembrance as you listen to the art of Toby Keith.

Image Alt
College Life |  Source: laughingsquid.com (edited)

An Ode To Sober Sex

Because operating heavy equipment under the influence has never been a good idea.

I still remember the shock I felt sophomore year when a friend told me she had never had sober sex. "What am I supposed to do? Why would they want to have sex with me sober? I don't think I can do it...it would be so uncomfortable."

I felt horrible for her that she couldn't fathom why a partner would want to be intimate in an unaltered state of mind. Or that she couldn't believe in her own ability to engage in sex without "liquid courage".

And I felt worse for her, still, thinking about all the special sexual experiences I had, probably precisely because we were sober, that were something of the next level-physically and emotionally. Or, on the flip side, reminiscing on drunken sexscapades that were sloppy and embarrassing, and cringing thinking these kind of experiences dominated her sexual canon.

Upon talking with friends, I've realized this is a common trend, especially among girls. There are a whole host of reasons college kids experience (and prefer) drunk sex more than sober sex.

Obviously, the pervasiveness of drinking in college mixed with the hookup culture make drunk fueled romps a fairly common thing. The preference for drunk sex may be because it's more familiar. But, it might also be traced to a lack of self confidence, where a person, particularly a girl, feels more comfortable with their body and desires anywhere from tipsy to fucked up, rather than sober.

I'm not about to preach and say I totally avoid and look down upon alcohol fueled and frenzied sexual encounters. I've had my fair share of 'em and I am sure I will have more in the future. But the thing is, drunk sex isn't the only sex I have.

Sure, being in a relationship is a vehicle for a lot of sober sex, but I'm talking sober hookups here. For hookups, I don't prefer the drunk fuck, and I certainly don't go to measures to make the hookup a drunk one. I think there are a lot of great aspects to sober sex, and these are some of these reasons you should be more about it:

1. You don't have to worry about who wants to do what.
You can avoid that uncomfortable experience of waking up and wondering where you are and who you are with...and then the regret that might follow when you realize, "Oh...I wish I didn't." You don't have to be concerned thinking that maybe the sex wasn't consensual.

Note: a sexual encounter is considered nonconsensual when a person's decision making skills have been impaired (read: drunk).

2. You don't have to worry about the condom situation.
You don't have to worry that your clouded judgement led you to agree that a condom wasn't necessary or that he could take the little guy off mid-go. You don't have to worry about if it broke or went missing, but can't really recall for sure. You can just know it was there and not have to worry about contracting STDs or babies.

3. It's easier for you both to orgasm.
Whiskey dick is obviously a thing, but so is getting turned on and then experiencing the inability to orgasm when drunk. Also, drunk sex is usually pretty sloppy, where you're not making your best moves, cuing into the art of seduction, or properly paying attention to what your partner wants and needs. So, it's harder to make your partner finish.

I mean, with one guy I used to have exclusively drunk sex with, I never saw him come once...and I wouldn't either because he wouldn't listen to a damn word I said or read any physical cues. We'd just have sex for 45 minutes until we were both like, "okay, let's call it." Trust me, I would have rather just eaten an entire pizza in my bed by myself.

4. It'll be less sloppy.
I have had a great number of drunken sexual experiences with cringeworthy moments, all sponsored by the alcohol I had ingested leading up to it. I have thrown up on a guy's dick mid-blowjob (twice), sustained a concussion from banging into my wall mid-thrust, and just generally been a complete goon.

Equivalently, I have witnessed guys embarrassing themselves a great deal during drunk sex. Doing it sober removes a lot of the opportunity for acting a fool.

5. Sober sex is more intimate.
Being in a sober state of mind allows you to more skillfully (and perhaps dexterously) seduce and please your partner. It's more about finesse (and less about the drooly make-out and clumsy bobbing) which heightens the connection with you and your partner.

Also, sober sexual experiences feel more real and emotionally intimate. You are not hiding your intentions or desires behind alcohol, but are instead expressing yourself in a way that is raw. You are making yourself vulnerable, which is equal parts frightening and exciting, making the experience one of intimacy and passion.

Image Alt
College Life |  Source: echaressa

The Seven Types of Drunk Friends

Nobody would survive without the The Mom.

1. The Obsessive Snapchatter
This person thinks a 300-second snap story is the only way to tell if someone had a good night. Take a shot every time they take a snap singing along to the music with someone that is not having it and you'll be dead by midnight. They live for when they wake up the next morning and play their story over and over and over again.

2. The Friend Who Always Goes Home With Someone
Without fail, this friend always leaves with someone. Honestly, it's kind of a skill. It takes a lot of game/talent and you don't know how they do it every single time. They also confess their love for their friends (or even random people they met that night), saying things they would put in an Instagram Birthday Post but would never say sober, like, "Honestly guys I am so blessed to have you, like you all are my freaking soulmates." They might even shed a tear. Which brings us to the next friend we all have...

3. The Crier
This friend gets so sloppy that they end up sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom. I mean the full-on, snotty, Kim K ugly type of tears. They always want to have a deep heart-to-heart about all of life's disappointments and why they have trust issues. Good luck if you're near when that ticking time bomb explodes.

4. The Friend That Passes Out Sitting Up
You don't know how they do it. They can literally sleep anywhere, even at the loudest of bars, clubs, and frats. You can usually find them on a couch with a penis drawn on their face. And just like they fall asleep early, they usually leave early. At least they're fun while they last.

5. The Friend That Just Wants to Dance
They're the opposite of the crier and the passer-outer and besties with the snapchatter. Every song is "their song" and they show it by singing along loudly. They aren't necessarily the best dancer, but they have the confidence of Nicki in the Anaconda video.

6. The One That Always Loses Their Phone
You really don't know how this person survives as a functioning adult. They are, at all times, a hot mess. Any given night, they could lose their phone, their wallet, their dignity, even their shoes.

7. The Mom
This person is born the mother hen, and is very proud of their role. On any given night, they have lectured the slutty friend, consoled the crier and simultaneously had the sleeper snoring on their shoulder the whole time. Oh, and the friend with the lost phone has them to thank for being alive.

Image Alt
College Life |  Source: @lolaslovenotes

Thoughts Everyone Has While Taking Shots

Yep, I'm gonna vom.


Line 'em up bitches.

*opens bottle*

Hello darkness my old friend.

Christ almighty that is straight up rubbing alcohol.

Oh my god I'm already cringing.

I'm having vivid flashbacks to every alcohol related mistake.

I am not ready for this.

I need five minutes to mentally prep.

I need some pump up music.

Give me a chaser there is no way this is going down my throat.

Oh my god okay its time.

Okay okay, shit, oka.



How am i going to do more of these?

I would rather get hit by a bus.

Why can't I be one of those girls who gets drunk off two shots?

Why can't I be one of those girls who can play drinking games with shots?


That is a life of bliss.

Lucky bitches.

Okay round two.

Down the pipe we go.

Yeeeeeep that was just as bad as the first.

Oh my god my eyes are watering.

I can't speak Jesus Christ.

I think my throat is sticking together.

Okay I feel a lil something lets keep going.

Shot number three LETS GO.

Whoever said this gets easier is a goddamn liar.

There are definitely holes in my stomach.

Why do I do this?

Why do I torture myself?


*Three shots later*

Yo that went down like water holy fuck.

I'm drunk.


That's it.

I'm drunk.

My cheeks are flaming hot oh boy.

I have no problems!!! Life is good!!!





*next morning*

So. Many. Regrets.