The Struggles Of Being A Girl
Entertainment |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

The Struggles Of Being A Girl

Having a penis doesn't sound so bad sometimes.

Being a girl has its perks, but let's be real here, it has a ton of downsides.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a girl and getting dressed up and having it be socially expectable to order a fruity drink at the bar, but sometimes I wish I could just leave the house in basketball shorts or be able to pee anywhere I want (without getting caught obviously).

Here are some other problems I wouldn't mind not having in my life anymore:

1. Getting pissed about absolutely nothing on your period.

2. Almost peeing yourself because you can't get your romper off fast enough.

3. Being paranoid that everyone can see up your skirt (and see your ass) while walking up stairs.

4. Being pissed about chipped nail polish.

5. Having an internal conflict with yourself on whether or not you can go another day without washing your hair.

6. Or, for that matter, trying to remember when the last time was that you washed your hair.

7. Having to shave your entire body before a date.

8. Driving with the windows down in your car and ruining your hair.

9. Having to spend a shit ton of money on stupid bras (and stupid makeup and stupid tampons and stupid hair products... the list can go on and on).

10. Getting hit on by creepers. "Can I have yo number?"

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Confessions of a College Asshole Ep. 9

Lying, Cheating and General Douchebaggery

Episode 9: Boner Problems

I am a man, not a machine. This is what I had to tell myself after my penis failed me three times in a row during the spring of my junior year. I had just gotten back from studying abroad, and was ready to acclimate myself to American pussy again. (Europe is hairier than America.) I was worldly, well-traveled, and horny. It was a perfect recipe for Trevor to fuck. But, the best laid plans (ha, get it?) often go awry.

The first time it happened, I thought maybe I was just too drunk. A classic case of whiskey dick. When it happened again, I quickly blamed the condom. How is my dick supposed to breathe with this rubber noose choking it? (But for real, birth control is a must.) But when my soldier failed to stand at attention for a third time, I knew that I had to look inward instead of outward. I began a six-month spiritual journey looking for the key to my ED.

My sex-less existence gave me a lot of sympathy for nerdy guys and uptight Christians. I was on edge a lot of the time. I stopped watching porn for fear that it was oversaturation. I tried to figure out the perfect amount of masturbation.

More than once a day / boners go away / less than thrice a week / boners will be meek.

I wanted to know what turned on my heart.

After six months of nothing, not even an OTPHJ, I was ready to dive back into the sex pool. But it turns out I had lost a step during my time away from the game. I was overthinking everything, and the first girl I brought back I quickly kicked out for fear of a return of the boner problem. I didn't know if I was ever going to recover and be that asshole you guys have come to expect again.

So how did I break out of this slump? I bought a Viagra from a drug dealer and fucked my roommate's 30-year-old babysitter. But that's a story for another day.

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Entertainment |  Source: vogue.com

Evidence the Met Gala Was a Shit Show This Year

Everything from condom dresses to penis hair.

For me the Met Gala is the top fashion event of the year and I look forward to going through the red carpet pictures almost more than I like going through fashion week pictures. This year was the biggest fucking let down.

My feelings ranged from disappointed to unimpressed and only on a few rare occasions was I actually excited for a look. Only about 50% of attendees dressed for the theme and those that did were pretty much wearing the exact same thing.

After going through and sharing my judgements with my friends, I was encouraged by the amount of laughter and agreement at my snarky comments to bring to you my opinion on the Met Gala's worst dressed guests.

Introducing to you during it's red carpet debut: The condom dress. Not only does it keep you from getting pregnant, it also keeps you from being taken seriously by literally anyone.

Honestly, I really don't even fucking know what to say other than it looks like she glued a shit ton of cupcake wrappers to a yellow latex bodysuit.

This is why I hate Madonna.

I had no idea the serving staff was allowed to get their pic taken too! So cool!!

Actually totally love this dress. I just wanted to point out that she has a penis on her head.

I can only assume that you would see similar attire in the bondage section of PornHub.

Can't decide if Lady Gaga looks more like a contestant on RuPual Drag Race or an 80's hair band member.

When you gotta go to the Met Gala, but you don't have time to change after your guest appearance on Game of Thrones.

She only got invited because she promised everyone free flamenco dancing lessons at the after party.

Will Sarah Jessica Parker ever stop dressing like Carrie Bradshaw? After seeing this look I'm going to have to give that a solid no.

Literally only putting this on here because where the fuck did will.i.am come from?

Lol someone want to tell Selena that your bra is supposed to go under your night gown?

If you can look at this and give me one valid reason anyone would ever like Taylor Swift, I'll give you 10 bucks.

I can only assume she's making that face because this is the first time she's actually seen what she's wearing.

All Images from vogue.com

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Entertainment |  Source: tianxinqi.com

Struggles of Being The Girl Who's Always Down to Party

I'm down any day that ends in y.

If you're anything like me, then you'll understand the frustration of wanting to go out all the damn time and having no support from your friends. When I was a freshman, I kid you not, I went out six times a week.

This was a little excessive when you added in the hangovers, weight gain, and the impact to my grades. But I don't regret it; and I wouldn't necessarily say I've changed my ways. Instead, I've just learned how to manage my time so that I can still be the girl who's always down to go out.

I pride myself in being the only one in my friend group convincing everyone to go out on a Tuesday night or going to a day drink on a Sunday afternoon, but it definitely takes a toll.

The hangovers are so damn real.
We've all been there: Walking to class with your shades on and wondering why the hell you continue to put your body through this torture. Well let me tell you why. When you graduate, you aren't going to remember the hangovers you went through, but you will remember the laughs you had while downtown with your girls or the stupid mistakes you made that shaped you into who you are today. Wake up, take an Advil, and prepare yourself for the next night's festivities.

People definitely judge you.
I don't understand this because who wouldn't want to be that girl who is always having fun? But people seriously try to kill my vibe and tell me I don't have my life together because I'm too focused on going out and having fun. There's truth in this, BUT as long as I'm learning from my classes, somewhat focusing on the future, and being healthy, then fuck you, I will go out as much as I please.

Honestly, most of the time, people will only judge you because they wish they could be you. It takes talent to go out as much as I do and still function as a human being. I've gotten my fair share of sarcastic comments like, "Do you even take classes?" The answer is yes bitch, I do take classes. I do my work, I study, I pass my classes, but I don't make my life depend on it.

Your friends get hella annoyed with you.
Ironically, my best friend hates going out and would much rather prefer to sleep in her bed all night. I mean I understand this sometimes, but come on, you have time to sleep when you're not in college and working a boring, grown up adult job. I physically have to drag her and some of my other friends out of bed, and that's OK.

I keep telling myself they'll thank me when they graduate, and although they don't see it happening now, I know it will. I'm also always the one constantly blowing up our group chat: "Hey who's coming out with me tonight?" "Hey what's the plan for tonight?" "Never mind, here's the plan. All you bitches are coming, so get ready, see you in an hour." Sorry I'm not really sorry at all.

Sometimes you end up going out with all guys because your girls just can't keep up.
Seriously, where is my bid to a fraternity? Sometimes I think I would fit in so much better in a fraternity than a sorority. I can shot gun that beer just as fast, and I can take just as many shots as the next guy. (OK, that might be a slight exaggeration.)

Desperate times call for desperate measures and more likely than not your guy friends will be willing to go out even when your girlfriends won't do it. Embrace it, ladies, and embrace the free drinks.

People don't take you seriously.
Once in a blue moon, there are nights that I'm too sick, too tired (extremely rare), or too unprepared to go out the night before a big test. On these nights, my friends will look at me like I'm someone different completely. Actual conversation I've had:

"What's the plan tonight?"

"I'm not going out."

"Haha no seriously, what's the plan?"

Now this can definitely be taken as a compliment, but it's also hard to be the girl no one takes seriously. Sometimes I'm stressed as hell but no one cares because it's my own fault, right? If I hadn't gone out so much, maybe I wouldn't be so behind. Although that might be a completely valid statement, I'm still damn glad I'm not the girl who's staying in trapped behind a textbook every single night.

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Entertainment |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock

The Struggles Of Someone Who Swears A Lot

Sorry.

If you're anything like me, you enjoy dropping a curse word every now and then (or every other sentence...). It's not because I want to sound "cool", it's just... who I am. Hey, they say the people who swear more frequently tend to be more intelligent. Anyway, here are the struggles for those of us who probably need to wash our mouths out with soap.

1. When you just meet someone and you're not sure yet if they would be okay with you swearing.

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2. When you drop the f-bomb in front of your parents for the first time.

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3. When you're around small kids and you involuntarily let a curse word slip.

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4. When you're angry and you're venting to your friend...

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5. When you're reading something aloud in class and you come across a swear word.

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6. When your friend who never swears drops a swear word.

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7. When you swear while telling your parents a story, and then they say, "Watch your mouth".

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8. When your professor nonchalantly swears while giving a lecture.

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9. When you're in a public place and you accidentally swear loud enough for everyone to hear...

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10. And when you're talking to your friend in class and you swear loud enough that the professor probably heard you...

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11. And finally, when somebody tells you that you "swear too much".

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10 Struggles Every Girl Has Faced While Getting Ready

Why are there no black hair ties? Y?

1. The post-shower clown face.
When you forget to take off your makeup before you shower and look in the mirror afterwards to see that your face has become a Snapchat filter.

2. The black hair tie crisis.
When there are literally no black hair ties in the house, so you're forced to pick between an obnoxious turquoise or a gross tan.

3. The no hair tie crisis.
When there are no hair ties, period, so you have to get creative with that pink scrunchie you found in the bottom of the drawer.

4. The mascara sword.
When your mascara brush is actually a weapon and stabs you in the eye.

5. The straight hair.
When you do your best to curl your hair, but it's never good enough, because you don't have eyes in the back of your head.

6. The stubble trouble.
When you spend a lifetime shaving your legs only to have your hard work ruined by a random attack of goosebumps.

7. The deodorant dance.
When you never knew how graceful you were until you had to maneuver a stick of deodorant under three layers of black clothing.

8. The broken hair brush.
When you don't know the strength of your own hair.

9. The rusty razor.
When your razor is rusty, but you're too lazy to change the blade so you suffer through for the sake of smooth legs.

10. The lost soldier.
When you drop your Q-tip in the makeup remover bottle and have to accept that it's never coming back.