By now I'm sure you've heard the news: the 2019, 2020, and 2021 Super Bowls are going to be held, respectively, in Atlanta, South Florida, and (go figure) Los Angeles.
What a surprise.
A bunch of old, rich white guys deciding to award the most watched sporting event in the United States to a bunch of warm cities that, frankly, could survive with or without the Super Bowl, just to stuff their fat-cat pockets. Why not give it to Jacksonville, huh? Or Cleveland? Okay maybe not Cleveland, but you get my point.
And that got me angry. And when I get angry, I think about other things that make me angry. And there's one thing that makes me angrier than anything else: college basketball.
And what better way to vent my frustration than by bashing both basketball teams I hate and cities I have absolutely no connection to by comparing the two? So get ready for the poison pen (or keyboard, I guess).
This could get ugly.
Atlanta? Hmmmmmm... you know what Atlanta, I really don't have anything bad to say about you. You seem like a great city, and the few people I know from Atlanta are pretty cool.
But you're kind of irrelevant right now. Especially in the realm of sports.
The Braves are currently tied for the worst record in the MLB at 12-34. The Falcons have been less than satisfactory for the past few seasons, and the Hawks...
The Hawks? There good in the win-loss column, but really? Who's excited about the Hawks? I mean, I love watching Kyle Korver hit threes just as much as the next guy, but the Hawks? Come on.
And that's why, Atlanta, you are the city-embodiment of the Virginia Tech Hokies.
Not great, not horrible. Just kind of there. Very Hokie-esque. And going even further, while Tech was, at one point, pretty good at sports in general (especially football) now they're just kind of, how do I put it... meh.
You had your sporty heyday, and now you basically just exist, and that's it.
Just like the Hokies.
South Florida (probably Miami)
You just think you're so great, don't you Miami?
This is, what, the 10th time you get to host the Super Bowl? Everything else just isn't enough for you?
The cars. The beaches. The food. Noooooo, you guys just want everything you can possibly get your hands on.
You keep suffocating the little man, Miami, taking and taking without regard to any of the other cities that haven't had the pleasure of hosting even half as many Super Bowls as you. And that's why you're the worst of the worst Miami, the epitome of evil.
Miami, YOU'RE DUKE!
Just like Duke absorbs the number one recruits in the country every year, you just absorb Super Bowls. You take from the little man and just look back with a smug grin on your face.
While other cities are desperately running towards Super Bowls to boost their fledgling economies, you just stick your leg out like Grayson Allen, make them faceplant, and then embrace it.
Damn you Miami. I thought you were better than this.
Everybody know the story about how LA finally got their "beloved" Rams back, right?
No? Well here's a brief summary: one frugal, rich white guy got together with a bunch of other frugal, rich white guys and agreed to steal the Rams from St. Louis and bring them to the one place that old white guys might actually love even more than themselves: sunny Los Angeles, California.
Sound a little fishy to you? A little bit of rule-bending? Kind of like, dare I say it, collusion?
You don't even have a stadium yet, but you're already set to host a Super Bowl?
Typical LA! You think you can just have anything you want, even if it means depriving a hard-working, American city like St. Louis. And nobody cares because, let's face it: LA gets results. It's a great city and people love going there.
Hmmmm... kind of sounds like Syracuse.
Take some leniency with your drug testing, write a couple student papers, hand out some improper benefits here and there, take your punishment, and then just let everything get swept under the rug and forgotten about.
Then make a run in the NCAA tournament, beat my Cavaliers to make it to the Final Four (and make me cry), and all of a sudden, everything's back to normal.
Just like LA: steal a city's team in one of the most corrupt deals in NFL history, have your future owner tell some little white lies to the public, promise a massive stadium to make NFL owners happy, and now hope everything goes away because you're going to host the Super Bowl.
Way to go LA. Way. To. Go.
And before this is over, let me just leave you with one parting thought:
Duke sucks. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.