Pee Tests Aren't Just for Drug Tests
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Pee Tests Aren't Just for Drug Tests

There's a method to the urine

Let's talk about something gross and slightly annoying: pee tests. When you think about them, you instantly think of drug tests. Now for those of us who have had to provide a lovely pee sample at some point because we have had a nasty UTI (urinary tract infection), or a pregnancy, or other bodily issues, we know they are inconvenient, but they are meant to help.

Urine samples are meant to detect the following:

1. UTI

2. Your health while pregnant

3. Liver or kidney problems

4. Hydration levels

5. Drug levels

And these are just a few reasons to pee in a cup.

Everyone has probably heard that if your urine is a deep yellow, then you need to drink more water.

If you have a UTI, you will probably feel the burn when you pee, and feel like you have to pee more often. Yay. (If this happens, try popping some Cystex until you can get in to see your doctor, since it can help with that pesky burning feeling.)

If you have dark, smelly urine, you might want to get that checked out because that could be a completely different problem entirely.

If you're preggers, you might have to go to the doc to get a urinalysis done. This will keep your body for levels of sugar, protein, and other stuff, which also super important because you're essentially feeding two people.

Your doctor may also suggest a urine test if you drink an excessive amount that might lead to liver problems and the drug tests part doesn't surprise you.

To wrap up, there are several reasons why people recommend urine tests, so don't freak out if your doctor asks for urine test. More than likely, he doesn't think you're on crack... but but the doc's definitely about to find out if you are.

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The Drug Test Push

Alternatives while you're waiting to pass your piss test.

If you're a college student around this time, you're miserable. Why, you ask? Because it's that time of year again: internship drug tests!

Some of you are the lucky ones, and have been blazing non-stop because your company is either the coolest, or you're at one of the top of the top and you'll be bringing in so much money that it doesn't matter how much you're rolling up per week.

If you're a fiend for the buzz like me, you're wondering what you can do to get the high without resorting to the harder drugs that stay in your system, but for a shorter time. Here are your options that are hot right now:

A timeless classic. They don't stay in your system, and the buzz fades after no more than around 45 seconds -- but emphasis on "buzz", because your body will literally vibrate nonstop in that timespan.

Even better, you can probably buy them at your local smoke shop, or even at Walmart! They're called whipped cream chargers, because you're supposed to make home made whipped cream with them (they're nitrous oxide, but who uses them for that).

Throw on a great song, suck the nitrous oxide out of the balloon, and laugh aimlessly at nothing as you melt into the couch.

The Juul is the fastest rising "toy" in college at the moment. They're popping up everywhere, and kids can't seem to get enough. They're an electronic cigarette of sorts, but not in a way that is designed to keep you coming back.

Sure, they're tiny, and fun to keep yourself up with the cigarette-like buzz, but their harsh hit has actually driven me away from the occasional drunk cigarette, regardless of the higher nicotine levels in the Juul.

Yes, the nicotine is a downside, but it's only temporary until post-drug test, right? If that's not enough, they have a wide variety of flavors: cool mint, fruit medley, creme brulee, and my personal favorite, mango.

For your short break, these are your options, and should hopefully deter you from a drunken accident where you slip and hit the bong!

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Texas Coach Tom Herman Wants To See Your Pee

What's your color mean to the team?

Is your pee clear enough? New University of Texas Head Football coach, Tom Herman, wants to know.

Chances are you are not drinking enough water and you need to pump that water consumption up. A healthy person drinks up to 30-50 ounces of fluid per day. Staying hydrated is crucial to staying healthy and maintaining the function of every system in your body. That includes your heart, brain and muscles.

So it makes sense that Coach Herman is constantly checking the color of his player's piss. Not only does he do that, but the team has put together a chart showing where your urine should match up. Check it out. Do you piss like a champion?

If you're peeing brown, not only are you a terrible human being, but you should also possibly consult a doctor. Not even during my worst hangover was my urine that color.

Coach Herman will even call you out if you aren't hydrated enough. Pee shaming is real.


This is best advice you'll see all day. Good on you, Tom Herman. In your first season as head coach, with your team coming off of back to back 5-7 seasons, this is necessary.

I'm no expert but I can almost guarantee that those 5-7 season were because these kids weren't hydrated enough during games. Can't win in Norman if you aren't at least hitting number three on the chart.

You want your new head coach to make an instant impact, and man is this a game changer. I wouldn't be surprised if we see hydration charts popping up in locker rooms all over the country. Colleges are gonna start hiring hydration coaches.

Just remember, Clear piss = winner. Stay hydrated, folks.

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Urinary Tract Infections: Truth or B.S.?

Hot tubs are human bacterial frappes.

Let's face it, infections of the urinary system are common. So common, that over 60 percent you ladies out there will have at least one in your lifetime. Some of you are probably peeing razor blades as you read this. So what do you need to know about UTIs? I'm glad you asked. Let's separate the truth from the B.S.

Men don't get urinary tract infections: B.S.

Of course men can get urinary tract infections (UTIs). They occur at a much less frequent rate, but they certainly do occur. Approximately 12 percent of men will get a UTI in their lifetime.

A woman's anatomy is responsible for getting a UTI: TRUTH

The urethra is the tube that connects the bladder with the outside world and the shorter the distance to the bladder, the more likely bacteria is to get in. Additionally, due to the short distance from ass to vag, the chance of stool entering the vagina is increased. But remember, taint your fault, it's your anatomy!

Wiping front to back is key: TRUTH

Speaking of the taint, stool should never cross it. Wiping your ass back to front will definitely encourage the transfer of bacteria from your colon into your vagina and should be avoided at all costs. Also, you should never re-wipe with the same piece of toilet paper, once bacteria is on the paper, flush that shit.

Bathing suits and yoga pants don't cause UTIs: BS

Bacteria thrive in moist warm environments and leaving your Lululemons on too long could lead to irritation and skin breakdown and create a setup for bacteria to enter the bladder.

Cranberry juice prevents UTI: TRUTH

An active ingredient in cranberry juice prevents bacteria from attaching itself to the lining of the bladder thus reducing the likelihood for infection. Plus, some studies have shown that cranberry juice could shorten the course of UTI after it's already begun. Or try an over the counter remedy like Cystex, which can help alleviate some of the symptoms of a UTI.

Not peeing enough leads to bladder infection: TRUTH

Never ignore the urge! The longer urine sits in the bladder, the more time for bacteria to grow. The act of peeing rids the bladder of bacteria.

Hot tubs can cause UTI: TRUTH and BS

Bacteria thrive in warm and wet environments. There aren't too many places warmer and wetter than a hot tub, so you best believe that bubbles aren't the only thing circulating around in there.

In fact, Seinfeld once referred to them as human bacterial frappes. So, although respiratory and skin infections are more likely to occur, technically UTI could occur as well. However, if the tub is cleaned and cared for appropriately, bladder infections are much less common.

Public toilet seats cause UTIs: TRUTH and BS

As with hot tubs, if the seat is cleaned than infection from just popping a squat is very unlikely. Bacteria doesn't live long on cold plastic or cold porcelain, but if stool is left behind from the previous squatter, then technically it could find its way into you. I advise you lay down the seat cover or just hover above the seat and never touch down.

Hand washing is key: TRUTH

Everyone out there is aware of how important it is to wash your hands after using the facilities. It prevents you from bringing germs into the public and is a great way to prevent the spread of infection.

But why don't we wash our hands before going? It should be a pre and post endeavor. Your hands are filthy before you do your business but you go and "touch" yourself with dirty hands and don't even think twice about it. So I suggest we hit the sink before and after. That same door handle you don't want to touch on the way out, is the same handle you grabbed on the way in!

Intercourse leads to UTI: TRUTH

Anytime anything enters the vagina, it could bring bacteria with it. So whether it's the penis, the tongue or just a finger, bacteria is sure to follow. When that bacteria is introduced it can make its way into the urethra and set up shop in the bladder leading to a UTI.

Guys, you're not immune here, either. During sex bacteria can also enter into the man's' urethra and lead to bladder infections.

Limit the risk of UTI after sex by:

Peeing before and after doing the deed.

Clean your naughty bits before and after.

Wear a condom.

Drink plenty of fluid to encourage peeing and reduce bacteria in the bladder.

Avoid spermicides. (They may kill sperm, but they enhance the growth of bacteria.)

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UTIs and Sex: Everything You Wanted to Know and Some Things You Didn't

The infection takes place in the urethra. You know, the first hole.

Unless you've been blessed with a urethra from the goddesses, chances are you've experienced that excruciating burning sensation known as a UTI. Between 50 to 60 percent of all women will experience at least one UTI in their lifetime, with an average of 8.1 million women going to the doctor each year for an infection in their lady parts. While UTIs are common and can be easily cured, if not checked, they can lead to other lethal infections.

So sit back, chug that cranberry juice, pop that Cystex, for God's sake go to the doctor, and read on about things you did (or maybe didn't) want to know about UTIs.

1. What does it stand for?

This is the only question I will give you shit about. (Really, you should know this!) The acronym stands for Urinary Tract Infection, because the infection takes place in the urethra. You know, the first hole.

2. How do I get them?

Infection happens when bacteria gets trapped in the urethra and bladder, and then multiplies in the urine. Thankfully, they're not contagious!

3. How do I know if I have a UTI?

Oh, you will absolutely know. Speaking from personal experience, it essentially feels like your bladder is on fire and that you constantly have to pee, even when "you don't have to."

My funny in retrospect UTI moment was the time I was hooked up to a catheter at the hospital, and screamed at the doctors to unhook me because I had to pee. They tried to tell me I "didn't have to" and they were right... only a damn UTI. Sadly ladies, once you have one UTI, you're more likely to get another.

4. Can I get a UTI from sex?

Yes, yes, and I'm sorry, yes. UTI's even have a nickname, "honeymoon cystitis" (cystitis means bladder infection) because frequent intercourse means increased chances of developing an infection. They don't call it doing the dirty for nothing!

Think about it: With all that bacteria down there (hey, I'm just being honest), there's a good chance some will get trapped in your urethra. Women are also more likely to get a UTI the first time they have sex with a new partner.

5. Can I still have sex then?

Duh. Just be sure to go to the bathroom after you do, it cuts your chances of getting a UTI significantly. If you can jump in the shower afterwards, even better. And because safe sex is best sex, it's important to know that certain barrier methods such as spermicide and diaphragms are linked to a higher risk of UTIs.

6. Why aren't men punished with this burning infection from hell?

As a matter of fact, they are! Men can still get UTIs, they just anatomically have a longer urethra, which also happens to be located further away from their anus than in women. The "short distance" in women's anatomy means higher susceptibility. To help with this, remember, shower often and always wipe front to back.

Also, going from anal sex to vaginal sex is just a bad idea for obvious reasons.

7. What's this "lethal" biz you said earlier?

Many UTIs are harmless if treated, but if you let bacteria continue to grow in your urethra (gross and painful), there is a chance it can lead to a kidney infection. From personal experience, you DO NOT want a kidney infection.

After locking myself in a bathroom with an outlet so I could pee and work simultaneously (freshman me was really clever) I suddenly felt like I was being stabbed with a knife in my left side. After a quick trip to the hospital I learned my UTI had turned into a kidney infection. If I hadn't gone to the hospital, I was told my kidney infection could've lead to sepsis aka blood poisoning aka death. Scary stuff.

8. But easily treatable, ya?

Yes, you can breathe easy. If you already have a UTI, prescribed oral antibiotics usually kick in quickly to knock out the infection. Just make sure you take them for the full course, not just when you start to feel better (otherwise the infection might return).

Some people also swear by cranberry juice and cranberry pills to prevent and reduce the infection, but the actual science behind it is iffy. Or you could also pop an over-the-counter medicine, like Cystex. Note: While OTC meds can help ease the discomfort of a UTI, it's important to remember that the only cure is a prescription.

So, if you have a UTI. Go to the doctor, get a prescription. You know, be an adult.

And the best solution? Prevention. Drink tons of water, don't douche, pee frequently, wear breathable clothing and underwear (yes, your thong might be a culprit), and limit the bubble baths.

Here's to keeping it happy and healthy down there!

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Wipe Right for Yes

... and for no UTIs.

Wiping the correct way, front-to-back, is just one of many ways to avoid a UTI. Which is why it's so alarming that most of these students at La Salle University weren't sure which way was the right way.

Also, maybe we should have clarified that we were talking about the female anatomy before asking, "Which hole is the urethra?"... but then it wouldn't have been as funny.