Calling All Cannabis Virgins
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Calling All Cannabis Virgins

Everyone deserves a good first time.

In the honor of April 20, the birth date of marijuana, when this fine specimen was discovered all those centuries ago by Christopher Columbus himself, we're breaking down how to go about losing your ganja v-card.

Just like any other first time, it's sure to be a cherished, or cringe-worthy, memory to last a lifetime. And like any other first adventure, if done wrong, it can be truly scarring, so let's light this thing up right.

First and foremost, if you don't want to smoke, you don't have to, even if you have no reason at all other than simply having no interest. More kudos to you for saving yourself a few thousand calories worth of munchies and a few more dollars in your disposable income to spend on more important things like... textbooks.

Alright that probably got rid of 'em... now we can talk about the good stuff.

The golden rule in smoking, which took far too many of us far too long to realize, is that you want to be with your people. Not the stoner on your floor who has a different drug rug for every day of the week.

Not the hot seniors who asked if you wanted to join and now your only options are complying or become the school narc. Not even your party friends, you know, the ones whom you tell you love when you're blackout but have never spent a waking minute with in the light of day. Yeah, not them either.

No, you want to be with you squad, your homies, your best ~buds~ you might even say.

There are many reasons for this. For one, weed can get really weird really fast. You want to be able to take it slow and ride that good wave without any pressure to do more than you need, or judgement for being a one hit wonder (that's me!).

You want to be in a crew where passing on your turn to puff puff pass won't elicit scoffs, nudges, or anything other than a gratefulness that there's now more pot for everyone else.

The second reason to surround yourself with people you trust is your paranoia will set in pretty darn quickly. There are some lucky souls out there that don't feel this side effect, but for the rest of you, be prepared to think everyone, I mean everyone, is looking at you.

You don't want to be with a group of people who you're worried about impressing or fitting in with, because whether you're making a fool of yourself or being completely normal, little Mary Jane in your head can have you convinced that you've just become to social pariah.

Don't worry, you're not.

Next, the best part of being high, in my opinion, is the giggles. Don't waste this beautiful experience on scrolling through your newsfeeds or texting your buddies. All it takes is some good ol' conversing and the breath gasping, side splitting, better than you've ever experienced gigs are sure to follow. If you're all alone just search "how is prangent formed," it's guaranteed to be the funniest shit you've ever seen.

Obviously, last but not least is the FOOD. The more you smoke, the less you're affected by the munchies, so take advantage of this stage where every food is the best food ever. Have those snacks ready to go, because the last thing you want to do when you're fried is try to talk to a delivery man at your door and figure out how to sign a receipt. Trust me.

So my young stoners, take advantage of the holiday, and celebrate it the way Aunt Mary intended. And just remember, until you're ready for your mind to be blown and to never look at the world the same way.

Avoid Animal Planet at all costs.

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Mind-Blowing Documentaries to Watch High

Because without this guide, you'll spend all night just deciding what to watch.

Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey
Be prepared to get royally mind-fucked with this docuseries. In Cosmos, Neil deGrasse Tyson takes you all over the universe to discuss scientific phenomena new and old. Created by Seth MacFarlane, and a follow up to the 80's series with Carl Sagan, this docuseries will spark weeks worth of debate amongst you and your smoke circle about everything from aliens to black holes. A must-watch.

Chelsea Does Drugs
By far the best part is when Chelsea Handler is in Peru, because holy shit. No, literally. She does a drug so strong that she actually shits her pants while also puking. The drug is called ayahuasca, and it caused Chelsea and her friends to cry because they were reliving some deep emotional shit. Ayahuasca is known for making people discover their life's purpose and meaning, or realize revelations about the universe as we know it. The real challenge is watching it high without planning a trip to Peru yourself, or at least Googling how much it would cost to sip some of that tea.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi
This is for all the homies out there who suffer from Severe Munchies Syndrome. You will step into the world of Jiro, apparently the best sushi chef in the world, and watch him meticulously craft the world's most perfect sushi dishes. It's about more than just sushi, it's about a man's dedication to his work. And good luck not ordering sushi after this, by the way.

Cartel Land
This shit is intense as fuck so it's not for anyone who gets paranoid while high. That being said, hands-down the best documentary I've ever seen. The filmmakers make their way to the front lines of the Mexican drug war and show the vigilantes who are fighting back against people like El Chapo. Follow it up with Sicario, a film that centers on the United States' response to the drug war. It's equally as suspenseful and mind-blowing.

This is a movie that every stoner has probably seen, so it's a no-brainer to include it on this list. Snoop Dogg smokes a lot of weed and takes you on a "spiritual journey." Basically required for anyone who likes smoking or Snoop, which is pretty much everyone, so I guess everyone should watch it.

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Perfect Things to Do When You're High

May or may not involve food.

Chances are, while you're in college someone is going offer you a puff of marijuana. If no one offers this to you, you're probably not hanging out with the right people.

I'm kidding. Be a good friend to your buddies whether they smoke weed or not. Trust me, it's easy to get away from your sense of self when you get to college, and being a good friend is really important.

Anyway, you can be a good friend to your non-stoner friends and still befriend stoners. What will you and your stoner friends do once you're high? Read on to find out.

Don't eat at all. (Just kidding, go to the dining hall immediately.)
Seriously. Go to your dining hall. We're talking about the unlimited supply of already-paid-for, buffet-style food.

What could be better for a high college student than rows and rows of pizza, prepared hot meals, soups, sandwiches, and French fries? Nothing. The answer is nothing.

Roll in with your crew of high friends, grab a huge, round table, and have at it.

Warning: you may experience anxiety when exposed to so many non-high people, like for instance the person you hooked up with last weekend who keeps trying to force eye contact from across the room.

Just remember that you don't look out of the ordinary; you're experiencing time much slower than everyone else, and no one is judging you. They're too busy worrying whether you're judging them.

Play with puppies.
Quick, hit up your friend who has a puppy/dog/whatever and see if they will let you play with their dog. There is literally nothing more fun than playing with a puppy while high. Their cuteness, playfulness, and puppy-ness is magnified. Once you get your hands on that little ball of fur, your mood will soar. Nothing can make a high college student happier than puppies - not even the dining hall.

Go to the movies.
Preferably, a 3D IMAX movie. Nothing can make the plot of a movie pop like some marijuana. Even if you're too high, all you have to do while you're in a movie is sit there and not talk. It's the perfect activity.

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How to Smoke Weed in Your Dorm Room

You shouldn't smoke in your dorm, but if you do...

Look, I've been there. You drank a ton, and now you're looking to end your night in a soothing way.

You're trying to figure out the right way to ask this girl if she wants to come over when the light bulb appears over your head with your brilliant idea: You can smoke with her. And you can execute this idea in your brand new dorm room! Everyone smokes weed in college. Nobody's gonna catch you. They're all just rumors! It'll never happen to you!

Well I'm here to tell you that even though you're finally independent with your own room and no parents around to punish you, you shouldn't smoke in your dorm room. Yup, that bright idea you just had is actually a bad one.

Anyone who isn't living in a dorm anymore will tell you that. Why? Because they probably got caught, or realize that police trouble isn't worth getting high. I'll even tell you right now to try and get my point across: do not smoke in your dorm room, you will get caught and it definitely is not worth it.

I'm not saying smoking weed is bad, but there are so many other alternatives. You can find a friend with an apartment, go to your fraternity house, literally anything but your dorm room please.

However, what do you do when you need that fix? I'm here to tell you how to get away with it, because me and my roommate were two of the lucky ones (even though he got caught with weed outside of our room).

So first, we would always take into account the time of day and where our R.A. was. Our R.A. had a board that would let us know where he was and what time. If it was night time, we knew that only two out of seven R.A.'s were on duty for the night.

Next, we would smell-proof the room. We would place a towel under the door, with a fan against the door blowing toward our window. We placed another fan on our window sill, facing out the window. While we smoked, we would cook two bags of popcorn, one after the other to mask the smell--but it's also great for your inevitable post-smoke snack. I know, I'm on the brink of genius here.

The process was very fine-tuned from this point. The smoker hits the bong/bowl/bubbler/pot toy next to the fan on the window sill, and blows the smoke through either a homemade sploof or a Smoke Buddy, into the fan, and out the window.

The person who isn't smoking at the time is next to the fan by the door, ready for a little spritz of Ozium, which chemically removes smell (be careful, too much of it isn't that great for you to inhale). You power your way through to beat the microwave timer, and BAM! You're high, (hopefully) safe, and now you have popcorn.

Smoking a joint or blunt is NOT your move. Have some common sense, guys. A vaporizer smells much less, but still more than other pieces. Your best bet is a bowl/bong/bubbler, or a battery with a refillable/prefilled wax or oil cartridge. They don't smell, and aren't nearly as smoky as any other options.

Don't be idiots and happy smoking!

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A Crash Course in Recreational Drugs

Never eat more pot brownies if you "don't feel it yet." Don't.

Editor's Note: FlockU does not condone illegal drug use. However, we feel the same about talking about drugs as we do sex: It's better to practice awareness than abstinence. So prepare to get educated.

College is a time for experimentation, with other people and with yourself. You've finally managed to drink away the images you saw in D.A.R.E., so the time is right to grow up and do some drugs.

I know, I know, you've been smoking pot since you were 16, and smoking weed in college is pretty standard.

But I'm talking about doing hard drugs in college. Obviously, you should never do anything you're not comfortable with, but if you want a little more information on what drugs to try in college, this is the first step to making an informed and adult decision. To do drugs!



So far during my career of doing hard drugs in college, this seems to be the second most popular drug around. Which was surprising to me, because it basically sounded like an instant death when I was growing up. Then I tried the stuff and found out it's actually really fun. You basically feel invincible for 45 minutes and then your throat is kinda sore. This is definitely a drug to try in college.



Wait. Maybe this is the second most popular drug. There's not exactly a fucking poll going around, so I'm basing this on my own experience. Molly is a drug that makes you want to dance and party and touch people and have fun and then you wake up the next morning and want to die. But that goes away, and for me, the high was totally worth the low (that's what makes it a hard drug, college boys and girls). Plus, you'll never be a better dancer than when you're on Molly!



This is definitely the drug I enjoyed the least. Maybe it's because I had a terrible bad trip and thought I died, so I definitely don't see the appeal. I've heard people talk about how it makes you feel more open and creative, but all I felt was that I died. And that sucks. A lot. If you want to try this drug in college, but not do a full tab, you can put it in a plastic water bottle, let it dilute, and then drink half of it for a good partial dose.


Remember, the decision to do drugs is yours and yours alone. People can die from taking drugs or from their actions while on said drugs, so take them at your own risk. You shouldn't do it because of your significant other, your friends, or because you read an article written by some asshole.

All I want to say is that the choice to do hard drugs in college isn't necessarily the wrong one. There's nothing wrong with wondering what drugs to try in college. Experiment, my fellow college kids, or forever wish you did. Just think of how many more games of "Never Have I Ever," you'd lose?

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When A Chronic Weed Smoker Puts Down the Bong

It's no longer about getting by, it's about trying to take on the whole world and succeed.

Most of us either smoke, have smoked, or know someone who smokes marijuana. With the push for marijuana legalization, it seems like the general sentiment is weed isn't as bad as we all thought. Plus, no one has ever died from smoking weed. Sure, there are still some dangers to smoking, but there are also a lot of dangers associated with binge drinking (which as college students, we all do a lot of), but it's not talked about by the media nearly as much as pot.

I'm young and I'm in college. Now is the time to get my degree and have some good ol' fun in the process. Weed is fun af, but what happens when occasional use turns to chronic abuse? When an occasional blunt with a group of friends turns to smoking multiple times a day? And what happens when you try to stop this type of abuse?
Here's my story.
We've all heard of the functional stoner. The one who is always high, yet manages to get all of their work done, and live a good life. This was me. And yeah there really isn't too much wrong with living this life. If it's not broken, don't fix it, amiright?
But I found myself wanting more from life. I found being stoned out of my mind listening to music while on the couch all day wasn't the answer to achieving my life goals.
So I decided to take a break from smoking. And let me tell you, it was hard.
First off, weed is psychologically addictive. So if you smoke every day, then quit suddenly, you literally crave weed. This can lead to withdrawal symptoms such as anxiety, weird eating and sleeping habits, irritability, and mood swings.
The first few days I found myself nervously sitting around trying to think of how to spend my time now that it wasn't occupied by smoking. The first few days are a total and complete bitch. But it does get better.
After about a week, I noticed I stopped thinking about smoking as much. Many of the weird physical withdrawal symptoms were gone. I still felt a little weird when all my friends were sitting around smoking. But, I started to find power in the word no. Being asked if I wanted to hit the blunt and politely responding no made me feel good.
And as time passed I noticed improvements in my short and long term memories. My daily energy level improved. I didn't have a nasty cough all the time. My mood became a lot more stable and positive. It all seemed worth it.
Being off weed for a while is like starting a whole new life. With my head out of the 420blazeit cloud, I see life so much clearer. I'm organized. I'm more productive. I have a lot more money now that it isn't all being blown on weed.
Being a functional stoner was cool. I could be high and have fun, and still get my stuff done. But now, in my new clear-headed state, it's no longer about getting by. It's about trying to take on the whole world and succeed. I finally feel like I'm moving toward my goals in life.
The point is this: I'm not trying to bash weed. But I just want you to know what life can be like if you put the bong down. The occasional joint with friends is always fun. Every now and again, I'll say yes to it after a long productive day. But one thing I've learned from my past chronic and dependent use is that being high all the time was no way for me to live my life as I start to really become an adult.
Weed is tight. Weed is great... in moderation.