Calling All Cannabis Virgins
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Calling All Cannabis Virgins

Everyone deserves a good first time.

In the honor of April 20, the birth date of marijuana, when this fine specimen was discovered all those centuries ago by Christopher Columbus himself, we're breaking down how to go about losing your ganja v-card.

Just like any other first time, it's sure to be a cherished, or cringe-worthy, memory to last a lifetime. And like any other first adventure, if done wrong, it can be truly scarring, so let's light this thing up right.

First and foremost, if you don't want to smoke, you don't have to, even if you have no reason at all other than simply having no interest. More kudos to you for saving yourself a few thousand calories worth of munchies and a few more dollars in your disposable income to spend on more important things like... textbooks.

Alright that probably got rid of 'em... now we can talk about the good stuff.

The golden rule in smoking, which took far too many of us far too long to realize, is that you want to be with your people. Not the stoner on your floor who has a different drug rug for every day of the week.

Not the hot seniors who asked if you wanted to join and now your only options are complying or become the school narc. Not even your party friends, you know, the ones whom you tell you love when you're blackout but have never spent a waking minute with in the light of day. Yeah, not them either.

No, you want to be with you squad, your homies, your best ~buds~ you might even say.

There are many reasons for this. For one, weed can get really weird really fast. You want to be able to take it slow and ride that good wave without any pressure to do more than you need, or judgement for being a one hit wonder (that's me!).

You want to be in a crew where passing on your turn to puff puff pass won't elicit scoffs, nudges, or anything other than a gratefulness that there's now more pot for everyone else.

The second reason to surround yourself with people you trust is your paranoia will set in pretty darn quickly. There are some lucky souls out there that don't feel this side effect, but for the rest of you, be prepared to think everyone, I mean everyone, is looking at you.

You don't want to be with a group of people who you're worried about impressing or fitting in with, because whether you're making a fool of yourself or being completely normal, little Mary Jane in your head can have you convinced that you've just become to social pariah.

Don't worry, you're not.

Next, the best part of being high, in my opinion, is the giggles. Don't waste this beautiful experience on scrolling through your newsfeeds or texting your buddies. All it takes is some good ol' conversing and the breath gasping, side splitting, better than you've ever experienced gigs are sure to follow. If you're all alone just search "how is prangent formed," it's guaranteed to be the funniest shit you've ever seen.

Obviously, last but not least is the FOOD. The more you smoke, the less you're affected by the munchies, so take advantage of this stage where every food is the best food ever. Have those snacks ready to go, because the last thing you want to do when you're fried is try to talk to a delivery man at your door and figure out how to sign a receipt. Trust me.

So my young stoners, take advantage of the holiday, and celebrate it the way Aunt Mary intended. And just remember, until you're ready for your mind to be blown and to never look at the world the same way.

Avoid Animal Planet at all costs.

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Mind-Blowing Documentaries to Watch High

Because without this guide, you'll spend all night just deciding what to watch.

Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey
Be prepared to get royally mind-fucked with this docuseries. In Cosmos, Neil deGrasse Tyson takes you all over the universe to discuss scientific phenomena new and old. Created by Seth MacFarlane, and a follow up to the 80's series with Carl Sagan, this docuseries will spark weeks worth of debate amongst you and your smoke circle about everything from aliens to black holes. A must-watch.

Chelsea Does Drugs
By far the best part is when Chelsea Handler is in Peru, because holy shit. No, literally. She does a drug so strong that she actually shits her pants while also puking. The drug is called ayahuasca, and it caused Chelsea and her friends to cry because they were reliving some deep emotional shit. Ayahuasca is known for making people discover their life's purpose and meaning, or realize revelations about the universe as we know it. The real challenge is watching it high without planning a trip to Peru yourself, or at least Googling how much it would cost to sip some of that tea.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi
This is for all the homies out there who suffer from Severe Munchies Syndrome. You will step into the world of Jiro, apparently the best sushi chef in the world, and watch him meticulously craft the world's most perfect sushi dishes. It's about more than just sushi, it's about a man's dedication to his work. And good luck not ordering sushi after this, by the way.

Cartel Land
This shit is intense as fuck so it's not for anyone who gets paranoid while high. That being said, hands-down the best documentary I've ever seen. The filmmakers make their way to the front lines of the Mexican drug war and show the vigilantes who are fighting back against people like El Chapo. Follow it up with Sicario, a film that centers on the United States' response to the drug war. It's equally as suspenseful and mind-blowing.

This is a movie that every stoner has probably seen, so it's a no-brainer to include it on this list. Snoop Dogg smokes a lot of weed and takes you on a "spiritual journey." Basically required for anyone who likes smoking or Snoop, which is pretty much everyone, so I guess everyone should watch it.

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Perfect Things to Do When You're High

May or may not involve food.

Chances are, while you're in college someone is going offer you a puff of marijuana. If no one offers this to you, you're probably not hanging out with the right people.

I'm kidding. Be a good friend to your buddies whether they smoke weed or not. Trust me, it's easy to get away from your sense of self when you get to college, and being a good friend is really important.

Anyway, you can be a good friend to your non-stoner friends and still befriend stoners. What will you and your stoner friends do once you're high? Read on to find out.

Don't eat at all. (Just kidding, go to the dining hall immediately.)
Seriously. Go to your dining hall. We're talking about the unlimited supply of already-paid-for, buffet-style food.

What could be better for a high college student than rows and rows of pizza, prepared hot meals, soups, sandwiches, and French fries? Nothing. The answer is nothing.

Roll in with your crew of high friends, grab a huge, round table, and have at it.

Warning: you may experience anxiety when exposed to so many non-high people, like for instance the person you hooked up with last weekend who keeps trying to force eye contact from across the room.

Just remember that you don't look out of the ordinary; you're experiencing time much slower than everyone else, and no one is judging you. They're too busy worrying whether you're judging them.

Play with puppies.
Quick, hit up your friend who has a puppy/dog/whatever and see if they will let you play with their dog. There is literally nothing more fun than playing with a puppy while high. Their cuteness, playfulness, and puppy-ness is magnified. Once you get your hands on that little ball of fur, your mood will soar. Nothing can make a high college student happier than puppies - not even the dining hall.

Go to the movies.
Preferably, a 3D IMAX movie. Nothing can make the plot of a movie pop like some marijuana. Even if you're too high, all you have to do while you're in a movie is sit there and not talk. It's the perfect activity.

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Parents, Grandparents, and Pot

I asked my Dad and Grama about their experiences with pot

I have always been curious to find out about how weed culture has changed over time. So I sat down with my dad and grandma and asked them about their experiences in college and throughout the years with marijuana. I also asked them if they think marijuana should be legalized and if they think the culture has changed from when they were in college.

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The NFL Should Turn A Blind Eye To Pot

Cannabis could solve a lot of their problems.

A couple of weeks ago on Any Given Wednesday With Bill Simmons, Mr. Simmons and his guests talked a lot about pot.

Now, given that two of his guests were Ricky Williams and Seth Rogen, that comes as no surprise. Rogen may be the most famous celebrity stoner since Cheech and Chong, and Williams, well, he's freaking Ricky Williams.

However, in between a lot of pot jokes and run-on sentences, Williams, who may or may not have been (but definitely was) super high, made one hell of a point.

Well, not explicitly. He kind of just told a story that went like this: Fed up with what super-powered painkillers would do to his body, he once tried to see how long he could make it in an NFL season by just doing yoga and smoking pot to relax and relieve his pain. And guess how long he made it?


And that got me thinking: why does the NFL even bother testing and suspending for pot? I mean, they already ignore wife beaters and murderers, so why go on a witch hunt for a bunch of potheads?

If a player can compete for 13 straight weeks by just using pot, why not let them? Especially if they're actually helping you out.

First off, they're some of the most exciting players in the NFL. How much more fun is the NFL with guys like Le'veon Bell and Josh Gordon?


Secondly, pot is much safer than it's much more common and widely used alternative, opiates. Because what do we know about pot's effect on the human body?

Yes it might temporarily lower your IQ, make you prone to saying and doing dumb things, and cause you to inhale family-size bags of Doritos, but let's be real - it doesn't really do much long term. And used responsibly, as far as we can tell, it's essentially harmless.

On the other hand, we know for a fact that the opiate/pain killers that NFL teams shove down the throats of their athletes lead to the abuse of one of the most dangerous drugs known to man: Heroin.

As a matter of fact, in 2013, 62.6 percent of all drug overdoses were due to either opiates or heroin. Zero percent of said deaths were due to marijuana.

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Moreover, we're currently in the most dangerous period in opiate history. Since 1999, the rate of accidental opiate overdoses has literally quadrupled. Yet, the NFL insists on force-feeding them to their sources of income (whoops, I meant to say athletes).

Still not convinced? Take a look at the possible side effects of opioid use: Sedation, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, constipation, physical dependence, tolerance, respiratory depression, delayed gastric emptying, hyperalgesia, immunologic and hormonal dysfunction, muscle rigidity, and myoclonus.

I don't even know what half of that means!

Opiate abuse is a beast, and if the NFL wants to stop getting sued up the ass by mentally and physically fucked up former sources of income (damn, I did it again), they should just let players smoke dope to cope with their pain.

They might have to start shelling out more money for locker room snacks, but that seems a hell of a lot better than paying for players to go to rehab.

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The Future of Smoking Pot

Puff, puff, dab.

In case you've been out of the weed game for a while, shits done changed. Gone are the days of buying ziplock baggies of brown schwag from your friend's sketchy dealer.

The recent wave of legalization and destigmatization of marijuana has ushered in a new era of hash oil, dabs, and complex smoking rigs that should require an engineering degree to operate.

Cheddar TV recently sat down with Matt Gray, CEO of Herb, the pot-centric content site formerly known as The Stoner's Cookbook, to talk about the future of weed and how the we'll all be consuming cannabis in a five years (my money is on smokey laser beams blasted into our pupils).

Check out the Cheddar interview here.