If you're not familiar with the Summer Olympics, you might think that it's just a super long, spring-break like excursion for privileged college students to hang out, drink some dirty water, and worry about contracting the Zika virus.
Yes, with all of the (well-deserved) negative hype surrounding Rio De Janiero, it's easy to forget that the Olympics is actually a global sporting event.
Not a 485 square mile cesspool.
And while everybody knows about Olympic basketball and Olympic swimming, there are a ton of other interesting sports that fly under the radar every year.
Synchronised swimming (Yep, that's still a thing); Golf (as if we really needed more golf); or, my favorite, Equestrian (because nothing screams sports more than making a horse jump over things).
But in the kingdom of bizarre olympic events that probably shouldn't exist, one event reigns supreme:
The Modern Pentathlon.
Now, before I go forward, try to guess what events the Modern Pentathlon entails. For those of you who slept through math class, here's a hint: there are five of them.
OK, well if you guessed fencing, swimming, horseback riding, running, and pistol shooting, than congratulations! You've clearly heard of the event before. Cheaters!
First things first, we need to raise an important question: Who the fuck knows how to do all five of those things?
Apparently, a decent amount of people considering that a combined 72 athletes competed in the event in 2012 and the event has been happening since 1912. And if you think finding someone who can actually compete in this event might be crazy, you should see how the event is laid out.
So let's step into the shoes of these athletes for a little while.
First, it's time to fence. And we're not talking about just one or two fencing matches. Try 35 of them, because you have to compete against every other athlete in the event. Not to mention it's composed of essentially 35 sudden death matches.
You get poked, you lose. Once you're done getting poked and prodded by some stranger that probably doesn't even speak your language, you get to take the rest of the day off.
The next day, you move on to the rest of the four events, starting with a nice, relaxing swim. More specifically, a 200m freestyle race.
Pretty self-explanatory, right?
Well, then things get a little iffy.
Because just when you thought we were done with the whole fencing thing, guess what?
Yes, that's right: a bonus round of fencing where players actually get the chance to improve their original rankings. Makes sense, given the wildly unpredictable nature of fencing.
But let's forget about fencing for the moment and move onto the exciting part: horse riding. Uh... Not really sure what to say here. A bunch of adults ride around on some horses, and if your horse runs into the least things, then you get the most points.
So now without further ado, I introduce to you the final 40 percent of the strangest olympic event ever invented: combined running and shooting.
Now, taken for face value, this doesn't sound that strange. As a matter of fact, a lot of "athlon" events have some kind of cross country/shooting dynamic that makes them unique. Hell, in the Winter Olympics they have an event that only consists of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, called the Biathlon.
However, while the running is pretty much what you'd expect (how can you really corrupt a simple 3200 meter run?) the pistol shooting part is...how do I put this? Digital. Because that's literally what it is. Freaking digital. No bullets. No loud bangs. No pistols, even.
You just stand there with a bunch of ironman athletes, and fire plastic laser guns at a digital target like a bunch of nine year olds at a boardwalk arcade.
Take a look at this video. Because the Olympics are dumb, we can't embed it for you, so go right to the 2:10 mark and start taking it all in. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.
What a fitting end to such a, frankly, stupid event. If that's what the greatest sporting event in the world has come to then why not save some money altogether and just have them play a round of Big Buck Hunter every 800 meters?
So this August, sit back, relax and enjoy what I can only imagine are your five favorite sports all rolled into one.
Or just watch basketball like everyone else.